Here you are having a perfectly nice day with your partner, then a certain topic or off-handed remark sparks tension between you...
At first you make a quick comment back, they interrupt you, then both of your voices start getting louder. If you don't take corrective action quick enough, then things really get out of hand.
You might start attacking each other’s character, bring up an event you were angry about days ago, or make catastrophizing statements like “this is hopeless, there’s no point, nothing will ever change with you!"
If this is a pattern you find yourselves in, you’re not alone. As with most couples, there’s usually one person who reaches their tolerance faster and tends to shut down and withdraw. This leaves the other person annoyed, isolated, and without a choice to resolve the original issue. You guessed it... this is the pursue-withdraw pattern (and yes, this guide even addresses it)!
Regardless of your specific behaviors, you hate that what could be calm and constructive conversation becomes intense and blown out of proportion. It leaves you both feeling hurt, disconnected, and even guilty
As hard as emotions are to control in the moment, we want to tell you that it’s possible to learn steps to de-escalate these conflicts, regulate your emotions, and stay on the same team.